Yup this is the headline:
Exclusive! Robert Pattinson Is Dying
And this is the article:
Is Robert Pattinson actually dying? Literally: no. Technically: sure, since really, who isn't? Figuratively: hell yes! The sparkly vampire is losing his luster, and we need him to get it back, because he helps us get great traffic. So! Evidence and revival techniques after the jump.
(There was a bar graph related to searches on him)
This is not Rob Patz’s EKG. If it was, then yes, he’d absolutely be dying. Instead, it’s just his Google Trends spread. One should carefully note the downward trending of it, and also, that there were spikes when New Moon came out, which also continued to spike as rumors of his love affair with Kristen Stewart ran up against New Moon’s publicity. Ideas to get this thing bumping again:
1. Beg JK Rowling and Emma Watson. Harry Potter’s only got one book--but two movies!--left for adaptation, and maybe the guy who played the guy who got killed in the fourth movie, Goblet of Fire, can convince JK to convince someone on the movie to get him a cameo as a ghost. Then, he needs to cheat of Kristen Stewart with Emma Watson. Twilight fans, who’re insane, already hate Kristen Stewart, so this wouldn’t be a loss to them. Harry Potter fans would be thrilled that Hermione is hooking up with Cedric Diggory. Win win situation for all, except Kristen Stewart. We’d give her an internship or something.
(THEY are calling twilight fans insane? I wonder if they read all the weirdness (yes I made up that word) they wrote themselves!)
2. Manage to stay alive until the movie after your next movie comes out. Remember Me looks absolutely, completely terrible. Don’t bank on it for success.
(How supportive! They created story lines above - and now have turned into critics!)
3. Eat less salt. A study in the New England Journal of Medicine doesn’t say anything about this being applicable to sparkly hearthrob vampires, btu sure, why the hell not?
...scientists writing in The New England Journal of Medicine conclude that lowering the amount of salt people eat by even a small amount could reduce cases of heart disease, stroke and heart attacks as much as reductions in smoking, obesity and cholesterol levels.
(This is to dumb to comment on - my eyes are bleeding)
Boom. So now he knows. Actually, truth is, it’s been nice not reading about the sad trials of RobPatz and his bat$hit stalkeratti, right? He’s probably enjoying it himself. Let RobPatz be RobPatz. Leave him alone. He’s not in season.
(Is it me or is that whole last paragraph a contradiction of itself? "It's been nice not reading about the sad...." blah blah they go on.. yet they splash a headline that says he is DYING! Why, you ask? (or maybe you didn't but I will answer anyway) - because that way, it will show up in google alerts and news searches easily ...then BAM! They get a buttload of hits to their site.
However, in that very same paragraph after giving us all these